Focus on Relationships
Don’t Wait for Valentine’s Day!
Valentine’s Day often serves as a reminder to express love and appreciation for the important people in our lives. However, building and maintaining strong relationships shouldn’t be reserved for a single day on the calendar.
Whether it’s romantic, familial, or platonic, investing in relationships year-round helps deepen connections and fosters mutual growth. Instead of waiting for February 14th to communicate affection or gratitude, consider how small, consistent actions throughout the year can create a lasting bond. Relationships thrive not on grand gestures but on regular, meaningful efforts that show care and consideration. (See Blog “Beyond the New Year’s Hype” for more on realistic goals and efforts).
Common Expectations and Pitfalls of Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day often carries high expectations, fueled by media portrayals and societal norms. The pressure to orchestrate perfect dates, exchange expensive gifts, or meet unwritten romantic standards can lead to disappointment. Similarly, “Galentine’s Day”—a celebration of friendship—can sometimes feel like an obligatory event rather than a genuine connection.
Research indicates that unmet expectations are a common source of conflict in relationships. According to the Gottman Institute, the four behaviors most predictive of relationship failure are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. High-pressure occasions like Valentine’s Day can amplify these dynamics if expectations aren’t met. Instead of focusing solely on a single day, embracing a balanced and realistic approach to relationships can reduce stress and foster authenticity.
Make Every Day a Meaningful Day
A sustainable, fulfilling relationship isn’t built on grand romantic gestures alone. Consistent, small actions hold more value over time. Here are some ways to incorporate relationship-building habits into everyday life:
Express Appreciation Regularly
Adolescents: Encourage teens to thank their friends or family members for specific actions, such as listening to them or helping with schoolwork.
Adults: Make it a habit to verbally acknowledge your partner’s efforts, whether it’s cooking dinner or offering emotional support.
Practice Active Listening
Adolescents: Teach teens to listen without interrupting during a friend’s venting session, demonstrating empathy.
Adults: Focus on your partner’s words without multitasking, repeating back what they’ve said to ensure clarity.
Schedule Quality Time
Adolescents: Plan screen-free activities, like going for a walk with a friend or having a family game night.
Adults: Prioritize date nights or shared hobbies, such as cooking or hiking, to reconnect and strengthen your bond.
Resolve Conflicts with Respect
Adolescents: Teach teens to address disagreements calmly, using “I” statements like, “I felt hurt when….”
Adults: Work through issues without resorting to blame or sarcasm, aiming for mutual understanding.
Celebrate Successes Together
Adolescents: Encourage teens to cheer on their friends’ achievements, such as acing a test or scoring a goal.
Adults: Share in your partner’s victories, whether they’re professional or personal, to show support and pride.
The Science of Successful Relationships
Research from the Gottman Institute highlights key habits that strengthen relationships:
The Magic Ratio: Successful relationships typically have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. For every conflict, there are five moments of kindness, appreciation, or connection.
Turning Toward Bids: Partners who turn toward each other’s “bids for connection”—such as a smile, question, or touch—are more likely to build trust and emotional intimacy.
Shared Meaning: Building a shared sense of purpose, including shared values and goals, contributes to deeper connections.
Building Realistic and Achievable Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on realistic expectations, mutual effort, and a foundation of trust and respect. Unrealistic ideals can set us up for disappointment, whereas achievable goals make for lasting partnerships. Here are some strategies:
Prioritize Self-Care
A strong relationship begins with self-awareness. Reflect on your needs, boundaries, and communication style to engage more authentically with others.
Maintain Realistic Expectations
Understand that no relationship is perfect. Acknowledge flaws and focus on growth rather than perfection.
Stay Curious
Whether it’s your partner, friend, or family member, take an interest in their dreams, fears, and daily experiences.
Create Rituals of Connection
Develop routines that strengthen bonds, like a weekly family dinner, monthly friend check-ins, or a nightly gratitude practice with your partner.
Final Thoughts
Relationships are at the core of human happiness, yet they require ongoing effort and attention. By shifting the focus from grandiose gestures to everyday actions, we can cultivate meaningful and enduring connections. This February, commit to making every day Valentine’s Day by nurturing your relationships year-round. Building habits of appreciation, communication, and shared experiences will strengthen your bonds and create a more fulfilling life for you and your loved ones.
Love and relationships take effort, understanding, and communication—but you don’t have to navigate them alone. Whether you're looking to strengthen your bond, improve communication, or work through challenges, therapy can help and we’d be happy to offer our support.
Reach out to us to schedule a free 15min consultation phone call to discuss.
Further Reading and Resources
For Adolescents:
The Teen's Guide to Social Skills by Kate Fit
This guide offers actionable tips to help teens improve their social interactions, handle conflict, and strengthen friendships in a variety of settings.
A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles by Patti Kelley Criswell
This engaging guide helps girls navigate common friendship challenges like arguments, jealousy, and changing dynamics, offering practical advice and confidence-boosting strategies.
For Adults:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This book offers research-backed strategies to enhance communication, resolve conflicts, and build lasting emotional intimacy in marriages.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
Rooted in Emotionally Focused Therapy, this book guides couples through transformative conversations to deepen connection, trust, and emotional security.
Disclaimer: The suggestions provided above are solely for informational purposes. Neither I nor this platform has any financial or other affiliation with the authors, publishers, or distributors of these materials. Please choose resources that best suit your unique needs and preferences. The links to external websites that are not maintained or controlled by ACM, LLC. These links are provided for informational purposes only and do not constitute an endorsement or guarantee of the content, accuracy, or safety of the linked websites. By clicking on any external link, you acknowledge and agree that ACM, LLC is not responsible for the privacy practices, security, or content of external sites. We encourage you to review the terms, conditions, and privacy policies of any third-party websites you visit.
Reference(s):
Gottman Institute link: https://www.gottman.com/
